The cool metal of the pen
rests against my fingers.
Sunlight falls across my arm,
but not warm enough to heal me.
Silent headphones placed in my ears
echo the silence that is not peace
in my innermost thoughts.
My decisive soul is still assaulted
by the closeness, the promise of him.
He stole from me, yes,
but it was nothing I didn't allow.
The outside chattering,
the dissonance of voices
from people, from the radio,
From the cell phone vibrating
two inches from my hand,
reflecting silver in the sunlight...
The quiet droplets, condensing
on the clear sides of the icy water.
Crystalline ice, coast down my chest:
soothe the ache I've found there.
The hurt that contracts my ribcage,
making it impossible to eat.
O God, take your gentle hand
and quiet the tense silence within
to one of peace.
Shield me, protect me, guide me
away from that which would steal me,
take me further away from you.
I have already renounced it
and now live to serve only you.
So save me now
from the poison that threatens my heart
With its sweet, insidious promises
and its loving, thieving touch.
My heart aches with the threat of it.
I wish only freedom from its voice,
from its touch.
I do not wish to be so bound.
So Lord, help me fight this!
Help me use the cool steel of my pen
to cast this thing away;
Use the cool ice and the sunlight
of Your touch, Your love,
to soothe and heal this pain in me.
Save me, O God. I give myself to You,
and trust in Your strength
to hold me there.
8:46:00 PM -
You stole from me.
You stole my convictions.
You stole my clarity.
You stole my emotions.
You stole my integrity, my honesty, my sense of purpose, my faith in myself and my convictions and my God and my parents.
You stole my faith in my future.
You stole my first kiss from me.
Even my will was stolen.
And you didn't even just steal them; you destroyed them.
Every fruit of my relationship with you has looked lovely and tasted nicely, and turned sour in my stomach. Every result of every action hasn't been honest, nor upright, nor pure, nor righteous ... though it took a week of being away from you, outside your influence, for me to see that.
You have lied to me. By listening to the lies whispered in your own heart, and whispering them to me, you lied.
And I, wanting them to be true, accepted.
I will not do that with you again.
I have listened to lies long enough. I have grown tired, grown so very, very weary, of the sickening, paralyzing confusion, the fog of doubt that has clouded my mind, grown denser since I met you.
You have methodically destroyed all of my walls and crossed all of my boundaries, which were placed there for a reason.
And I let you.
And I will not continue to do so. And I will not let you keep influencing me. You have waited long enough for my answer. Here it is: I do not want you. I don't want the thing waiting to trap me that lies inside of you, whispering beautiful pictures to me, poisoning my will and weakening my faith. I don't want to talk to you, to see you, to message you, to email or text or call or chat or anything with you.
I am not only pushing you out of my life, out of my heart - you and everything with you - I am shutting the door in your face and locking it behind me.
For the first time in six months, I have maintained distance from you. And for the first time in six months, I have a clarity of purpose and of mind that has remained firm and steadfast, and is entirely mine to hold.
For the first time in six months, I finally feel like I am doing something right. And I have absolutely no doubt whether or not I might be wrong. I'm not.
I have the Lord God, the Father of Creation, the Ruler of All, along with Jesus Christ, His Son, the sacrifice of love and of hope, and the Holy Spirit, who lives within me and who I COULD ALWAYS HEAR. And I rebuke the lie that has ever told me otherwise. I turned to you for solace, and for companionship, and comfort, and to be my own spirit of Truth and Love. And it was a lie. You cannot be, can never be, that. No one besides the King of All, and Lord of my Heart, can be that. And He lives in me. He loves me, in a way you never have, and never will. And it is he I will turn to in loneliness, for comfort and truth and companionship and LOVE, because the love you tried to give me was sickening in its subtle poison.
Worse yet, you are warrior, and you believe yourself in the right, and me in the wrong, bound by fears and someone else's laws.
You still do not understand.
Look past the smog of deception and lies, and face the truth that sits like a seed in your chest. Step into it. You know it is there, and you know where it rests, and you hear the whispers of truth that it speaks.
The Lord does not manipulate. He does not make promises that do not come true. He does not use his followers, his disciples, as puppets or pawns. He does not say or do or promise anything that goes against his Word, the Bible, or the Law. He does not entice with sweet images and sticky syllables and pretty little ideas that come to nothing, that mean nothing, that lead to death and despair and confusion. He will always confirm his promises to you. He speaks truth, love, and law simultaneously. He will never, ever turn away from you, even when you disobey Him and His words to seek your own path.
Even when you have stopped listening, He will whisper truth.
The voice inside you, which has spoken to me, through you, does exactly the opposite. Of all of those things.
There is an aspect of me that still cares for you, about you. But there is nothing that I can or will do for you. You have used witchcraft against me, and my emotions, to manipulate me, to turn me to your will and to usurp my own.
Prayer is the only thing I will do for you now. And that is between me and God alone. You have no part in it.
Do not try and contact me any more. I ask no reply to this, and need none. I have blocked other communication, and desire none from you. Do not try and usurp my will and break down my walls again, or I will not only shut you out, I will run from you. I leave you with no, "I will only talk to you if..." because there is none. I am well and truly severing my connection with you, and it is of my own free will and conviction. Do not seek me. Do not say goodbye to me. There is no need.
Goodbye.
10:50:00 PM -