I can't help being a little bit scared. He's mad. He's been mad all day. Angry, frustrated... bitter, even. There's no stopping it. He could if he wanted to, and that's what scares me, because he obviously doesn't want to stop it. He must somehow enjoy being angry.
I don't know what started him off, and I don't know what's kept it going, kept him wallowing in his anger and frustration. Not even Mom stays angry for a full day... not even close, especially because my sister and I have learned how to get her back to normal. Not with him, though. He so rarely gets angry... he yelled at me. It looked like his anger was trying to come out of his face, explode out at me and assault me, beat me until I cried out for forgiveness and crawled out of sight. I won't pretend I wasn't frightened. But is that what he has to be reduced to? Does he really believe that this is going to help anything? I don't think he's that stupid, that naive... even to believe that this is just some necessary way of letting off steam. It hurts too many people to be worth it.
It's just so wrong, on a fundamental level, to see him like this. The slightest thing sets him off. My friend had trouble with internet on a computer he had fixed, and he vowed never to do good deeds for another again. Not only was it completely irrational and inconsiderate, it struck a chord in me, and I could see the fury in his eyes, like it was her fault, like she was getting revenge on him for his help.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers. Gal. 6:9-10
I wish there was some way to get through to him without bringing verbal and emotional Armageddon down on my shoulders.
I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Ps 34:4
If it's the work he's doing, the responsibilities that he's taken, the pointlessness of his striving, then why isn't he going to God about it? They shouldn't be his responsibilities, should never have begun to be his responsibilities, and if this is the result of taking them on... well, then this's proven it. They're God's responsibilities, they all are. What right has he to claim what he's already given to the Father?
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light. Matt. 11:28-30
Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1Cor 15:58
Was it the taxes that set him off? Is he worried about money? Is this some kind of emotional breakdown, something that allows him not to think for an extended period, so he won't have to consider the debt, the fact that we're broke?
Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Matt. 6:25-27
God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Ps 46:1
If he keeps going like this he's going to destroy himself. I am powerless to stop him, and I can't keep watching him spew his bitterness, coating everything around him with a slimy coat of filth and disgust.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1Cor 13:4-7
I don't like being scared of my own father. I feel like he's betrayed my trust somehow, and I feel so much love and compassion for him... I want him to reach out for help, because he can't shoulder the weight of the world on his shoulders, I swear he can't. I don't want to rebuke him, I want to wrap my arms around him and cry, because obviously he's hurt inside... he's just picked the one most violent emotion he could in order to vent that pain. But can't he see how much he's hurting me?
Thank you to this site, who stumbled across me when I didn't have the heart to find it for myself.