Something is pursuing me. I run from it, for my soul tells me that this which pursues me will utterly transform me, and would obliterate who I am. So I run. I like the way I am. I have created myself, and what I am perceived to be. I have created a façade for everyone, and I like who people think I am. I have fooled so many people with this mask... the whole world. And then I was drawn into my own act. I was my mask, and forgot the monster underneath. I liked the picture so much I fooled myself into believing it was true. And this thing pursuing me was going to ruin everything. “I live in my own little world, but at least people know me here.” I don’t like change. No human does. If they say they do, they’re lying. And still this thing pursued my soul, and so I ran. I ran until I could run no longer. I couldn’t hide from this treacherous all-seeing thing. I lashed out. How dare it?! Life was perfect.
But it wasn’t, the thing whispered. Look again.
And I did. And I realized with horror that the thing was right. So many lies, so many mistakes made and intentional pain. So I tried to fix it. Look, I’m a better person now. Everything’s better. Will you leave me be?
And yet it’s not, whispered the voice, and my soul reverberated.
And I looked again. All my years of trying, and my feeble efforts at perfection fell short. But I can’t want perfection! I screamed. Humans aren’t perfect!
Isn’t that the point? said the voice.
And my soul knew. This pursuing voice, this unseen touch, this all-knowing presence. And I rejected the knowledge, because I wanted to keep my mask, my comfort, my self-image, my grasp of myself and the world.
And... I wasn’t satisfied.
Something, and emptiness within my soul, cried out against my inaction. It groaned and yearned, and wasn’t still. This hole in my soul which I had possessed all my life but didn’t realize it before this point. What did it want? What could possibly fill this emptiness? Then I realized I had already been trying to fill it. Boys. Food. Drink. Entertainment. Books. Cars. Yoga. Media. Donating. Teaching.
And nothing filled this vacuum.
And I screamed my hopelessness, to the heavens and to the earth; that there was an emptiness that I knew not how to fill.
But it wasn’t, the thing whispered. Look again.
And I did. And I realized with horror that the thing was right. So many lies, so many mistakes made and intentional pain. So I tried to fix it. Look, I’m a better person now. Everything’s better. Will you leave me be?
And yet it’s not, whispered the voice, and my soul reverberated.
And I looked again. All my years of trying, and my feeble efforts at perfection fell short. But I can’t want perfection! I screamed. Humans aren’t perfect!
Isn’t that the point? said the voice.
And my soul knew. This pursuing voice, this unseen touch, this all-knowing presence. And I rejected the knowledge, because I wanted to keep my mask, my comfort, my self-image, my grasp of myself and the world.
And... I wasn’t satisfied.
Something, and emptiness within my soul, cried out against my inaction. It groaned and yearned, and wasn’t still. This hole in my soul which I had possessed all my life but didn’t realize it before this point. What did it want? What could possibly fill this emptiness? Then I realized I had already been trying to fill it. Boys. Food. Drink. Entertainment. Books. Cars. Yoga. Media. Donating. Teaching.
And nothing filled this vacuum.
And I screamed my hopelessness, to the heavens and to the earth; that there was an emptiness that I knew not how to fill.
I would give
a n y t h i n g
to fill it.
And...
...the voice...
...that quiet, omnipresent voice...
...it answered me.
Do you want to be filled? It asked.
I screamed, I cried, I whispered, and my soul spoke. Yes, it said.
Then acknowledge me, the voice replied.
And my flesh, my mask, my shell rebelled. What about my home? Family? Friends, Status? Life?
And my soul said:
Yes, Lord. I will acknowledge You.
And...
I felt my mask, my flesh, tear away. All the stupid human cries and concerns and emotions, so shallow and unfeeling and SELFISH and proud and conceited and so, so ugly.
And then there was love.
And that word, which had meant nothing to me before, filled my soul. That word was the key, and everything it touched broke my heart and my mind and my soul, for no human is meant to understand all of love.
And what is love, then? The voice asked; and it was the most loving voice I could ever know.
You are love, I replied. But even in my reply I had no knowledge of what it was, for it was too enormous to grasp.
And then, I remembered.
Guilt shame contempt loathing hatred anger sin accident on purpose greed pride shame human fault flaw prejudice hatred loathing rage seething fear rebellion disbelief chaos darkness ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU CAN’T TAKE IT BACK
And I cowered before love, guilt overpowering me, for I was not worthy of it, and could not stand whole before it without it seeing every sin and every black thing I ever have and ever was and ever would be. And I was terrified before this God, which was Love, for He saw all.
And pity filled his voice, and compassion touched my unreachable soul. As he said
But those things, by right of which you should die,
I screamed, I cried, I whispered, and my soul spoke. Yes, it said.
Then acknowledge me, the voice replied.
And my flesh, my mask, my shell rebelled. What about my home? Family? Friends, Status? Life?
And my soul said:
Yes, Lord. I will acknowledge You.
And...
I felt my mask, my flesh, tear away. All the stupid human cries and concerns and emotions, so shallow and unfeeling and SELFISH and proud and conceited and so, so ugly.
And then there was love.
And that word, which had meant nothing to me before, filled my soul. That word was the key, and everything it touched broke my heart and my mind and my soul, for no human is meant to understand all of love.
And what is love, then? The voice asked; and it was the most loving voice I could ever know.
You are love, I replied. But even in my reply I had no knowledge of what it was, for it was too enormous to grasp.
And then, I remembered.
Guilt shame contempt loathing hatred anger sin accident on purpose greed pride shame human fault flaw prejudice hatred loathing rage seething fear rebellion disbelief chaos darkness ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU CAN’T TAKE IT BACK
And I cowered before love, guilt overpowering me, for I was not worthy of it, and could not stand whole before it without it seeing every sin and every black thing I ever have and ever was and ever would be. And I was terrified before this God, which was Love, for He saw all.
And pity filled his voice, and compassion touched my unreachable soul. As he said
But those things, by right of which you should die,
I HAVE PAID FOR ALREADY.
And I was confused and mystified. How can another take on my own mistakes, everything I have ever done or will do, and pay for them? Was I then free?
And the quiet voice said,
I have freed you, but it is a gift only.
Will you accept my gift and take my love?
And my soul shed its guilt, its anger and misery of Man as I joyously said Yes! I will love you!
And the hollowness within filled to the brink with Him and His love, and overflowed, and I could not contain my joy at what I had found. For how perfect was this God, this Creator! How wonderful His might, and how awesome
was his LOVE!
And that He saw me, and despite all my past and who I had been let me see how dark the world around me... had I been that blind? How great His love! “I could sing of His love forever!” He had stayed when he could have left me, and I would have deserved my fate. I would have deserved a lifetime’s worth of pain and misery and rejection but instead he offered me L O V E . How wonderful, how mysterious a God, to stay with His love to try and share it? When I cannot ever love him as he loves me, and never come within a fraction of the smallest amount of his love. And this saddened me, for God loved me and could never be loved back.
And that hollow inside of me
which he had filled
flowed outwards with His love
and returned His love through me,
and I realized that a portion of Him had been instilled there
And the quiet voice said,
I have freed you, but it is a gift only.
Will you accept my gift and take my love?
And my soul shed its guilt, its anger and misery of Man as I joyously said Yes! I will love you!
And the hollowness within filled to the brink with Him and His love, and overflowed, and I could not contain my joy at what I had found. For how perfect was this God, this Creator! How wonderful His might, and how awesome
was his LOVE!
And that He saw me, and despite all my past and who I had been let me see how dark the world around me... had I been that blind? How great His love! “I could sing of His love forever!” He had stayed when he could have left me, and I would have deserved my fate. I would have deserved a lifetime’s worth of pain and misery and rejection but instead he offered me L O V E . How wonderful, how mysterious a God, to stay with His love to try and share it? When I cannot ever love him as he loves me, and never come within a fraction of the smallest amount of his love. And this saddened me, for God loved me and could never be loved back.
And that hollow inside of me
which he had filled
flowed outwards with His love
and returned His love through me,
and I realized that a portion of Him had been instilled there
And it was beautiful.
I overflowed in love and joy which was not my own, but mine both to share and to partake of.
This had been an incomplete being, completed by God. And I could live forever with Him, in His love.
His love, which never sleeps, and knows all. Which is unbreakable. Forgiving. Cleansing. Patient. Kind. Self-sacrificing. Peaceful. Gentle. Never boastful. Never envious. Never selfish. Never rude. It sees your faults and forgives you, and never remembers them again. It is a conscience, commander and king of your heart.
This is God. God is love. “How great Thou art.” To the Holy Spirit of God within me, make me worthy of Your love. Make me perfect in your sight. How can I ask for anything less than to be perfect for my Love?
This had been an incomplete being, completed by God. And I could live forever with Him, in His love.
His love, which never sleeps, and knows all. Which is unbreakable. Forgiving. Cleansing. Patient. Kind. Self-sacrificing. Peaceful. Gentle. Never boastful. Never envious. Never selfish. Never rude. It sees your faults and forgives you, and never remembers them again. It is a conscience, commander and king of your heart.
This is God. God is love. “How great Thou art.” To the Holy Spirit of God within me, make me worthy of Your love. Make me perfect in your sight. How can I ask for anything less than to be perfect for my Love?