She can't live with silence. Because as soon as the real silence hits - no radio or TV or CD player or conversation - she'll have to listen to her own head. I know this to be true, as well as I know the sky is blue or I know my own name. There's hurt in the woman and she's been running away from it for years. She's built up an immunity to the inside noises by making a constant chatter of outside noises... and it annoys the living daylights out of me.
Now that question's answered, time for the next one.
I've been being defensive in order to block out her hurting me. Distance is created that way, but I figured distance was better than constant pain, so I estranged her. My own mother. And now I'm trying to take it back down... and in the meantime I'm remembering why I put it up to begin with. Oh, it HURTS. It hurts so BADLY that she pays no heed to where and how her emotions spill away from her. She has no control. And she says she'll fix it, but she can and will NEVER fix it until she's willing to face WHY, and fix THAT INSTEAD.
I was up until four, four-thirty maybe, wrapping presents. I was wrapping them for her. She had asked me to, but then I did it so that she wouldn't have to. And she shoved me off to bed, angry because I hadn't "gone to bed 4 hours ago!" Good God, the woman doesn't have a clue. She couldn't possibly love me and treat me like this at the same time. It hurts too much, too consistently, too often... and some times I forget why I wanted to reestablish a relationship with her in the first place.
I don't know. I 'm just looking for more from my mother, and I'm not getting anything other than repeated slaps in the face. A lot of the distance is my fault, the gap between us of my own digging. But if it were only the separation that were the issue, we'd be past it by now.
And I feel very, very alone.
I am
so
a l o n e .
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